英文笑話短文篇一：英語幽默小短文

英語幽默小短文

The Old Cat

An old woman had a cat. The cat was very old; she could not run quickly, and she could not bite, because she was so old. One day the old cat saw a mouse; she jumped and caught the mouse. But she could not bite it; so the mouse got out of her mouth and ran away, because the cat could not bite it. Then the old woman became very angry because the cat had not killed the mouse. She began to hit the cat. The cat said, "Do not hit your old servant. I have worked for you for many years, and I would work for you still, but I am too old. Do not be unkind to the old, but remember what good work the old did when they were young."

英文笑話短文篇二：英語短文故事(幽默笑話)

英語短文故事

短文一:

The science teacher lecturing his class in biology said, "Now I'll show you this frog in my pocket." He then reached into his pocket and pulled out a chicken sandwich. He looked puzzled for a second, thought deeply, and said,

"That's funny. I distinctly remember eating my lunch." 短文二：

During the heat of the space race in the 1960s, the U.S. National Aeronautics and Space Administration decided it needed a ball point pen to write in the zero gravity confines of its space capsules. After considerable research and development, the Astronaut Pen was developed at a cost of approximately $1million U.S.

The pen worked and also enjoyed some modest success as a novelty item back here on earth.

The Soviet Union, faced with the same problem, used a pencil.

短文三：

When I take a long time, I am slow.

When my boss takes a long time, he is thorough.

When I don't do it, I am lazy.

When my boss doesn't do it, he is too busy.

When I do something without being told, I am trying to be smart. When my boss does the same, that is initiative.

When I please my boss, I am ass-kissing.

When my boss pleases his boss, he is co-operating. I do good, my boss never remembers.

When I do wrong, he never forgets.

短文四：

An old man lived alone in Northern Ireland. His only son was in

prison. The old man wanted to plant some potatoes in his garden but he didn't know anyone who would help him plow up the garden. He wrote to his son about it, and received this reply, "For HEAVENS SAKE, don't dig up that garden, that's where I buried the GUNS!"

At 4 AM the next morning, a dozen British soldiers showed up and dug up the entire garden, but didn't find any guns.Confused, the man wrote to his son telling him what happened and asking him what to do next.

His son's reply was: "Just plant your potatoes." 短文五:

One day a little girl came home from school, and said to her

mother, "Mommy, today in school I was punished for something that I didn't do."

The mother exclaimed, "But that's terrible! I'm going to have a talk with your teacher about this! By the way, what was it that you didn't do?"

The little girl replied, "My homework."

短文六：

While proudly showing off his new apartment to friends, a college student led the way into the den（私室，賊窩） . What is the big brass gong（鑼） and hammer for? one of his friends asked. That is the talking clock, the man replied. How's it work?

Watch, the man said and proceeded to give the gong an ear shattering pound with the hammer. Suddenly, someone screamed from the other side of the wall, Knock it off, you idiot! It's two o'clock in the morning!

短文七：

On her return from school，little Dolly，aged ten，was pulled on to her Daddy's knee，and informed that the fairies had that day brought a big surprise a little baby brother．She see med glad，and presently said：

“Will you give me a stamp，daddy？I want to write and tell

brother Tom．”

The father was touched by this，and provided the little lass with the materials to write a letter to her brother，who was away at school．Later，curious to know how she would tell the news，he took an opportunity to read what she had writen．He received something of a shock on reading the following：“Dear Tom， It's come off today．You've lost；it's a boy．” 短文八：

One evening，in the midst of dinner preparation，our 10 yearold daughter asked，“Mom my， what's puberty？”My wife was rushed at the moment，so she suggested that Peggy look up the word in the dictionary，after which they could talk about it．

A few minutes later，Peggy returned．Her mother asked what the dictionary had said．“Puberty means，”announced Peggy，“the earliest age at which a girl is able to bear children．”“What do you think of that？” my wife asked．

“I'm not sure，” Peggy replied．“I've always been able to bear children．It's adults I can't bear．”

短文九：

There was a small boy who had been given a l

ittle terrier for his very own，on which he bestowed the name of Paddy，and loved mightily．He was very saddened by the fact that he could

not take his pet away with him on his holidays，which he was spending with some relatives in the country．

Whilst he was away Paddy's young life was cut short by an unfortunate adventure with a motor．The boy's mother feared he would take the news very hardly on his return；she broke it very gently，therefore，and was rather surprised that the little lad did not seem much perturbed．Later，however，she heard him weeping lustily in his bed．He was inarticulate with grief，but his brother explained that he was crying“about Paddy”．“But，” said the mother，“I told him about it this morning，and he did not seem to mind！”

The brother explained，“yes，but he thought you said Daddy．” 短文十：

It was a cold，raw day at Washington．Champ Clark was discussing the gamins of the cities with an English visitor．The latter expatiated on the wit of the London type of the genius．Clark declared that if the Englishman were to ask any Washington street urchin any question，the urchin would make anaptreply．They sallied forth．

“What time is it，Bub？They tell me you can tell time by your nose，”said the visitor to the first newsboy they met．“Ask your own，mister，mine ain't run nin’，”was the reply．

英文笑話短文篇三：英語幽默小短文

英語幽默小短文

Wake up! Wake up! It's time for sleeping pills!

醒來！醒來！現(xiàn)在該吃安眠藥了！

The New Teacher

George comes from school on the first of September.

"George, how did you like your new teacher?" asked his mother.

"I didn\'t like her, Mother, because she said that three and three were six and then she said that two and four were six too....."

The lecturer on evolution had been going on for nearly two hours. then he started again, and said he:"Let me ask the evolutionist a question --- if we had tails like a baboon, where are they?"

"I'll venture an answer, " said an old lady. "We have worn them off sitting here so long.".

Late one night at the insane asylum (瘋?cè)嗽海﹐ne inmate shouted, "I am Napoleon!"

Another one said, "How do you know?"

The first inmate said, "God told me!"

Just then, a voice from another room shouted, "I did not!"

Improvement

One student to another: "How are your English lessons coming along?" "Fine. I used to be one who couldn't understand the English men, and now it's the English men who can't understand me."

Half or Five Tenths?

Teacher: Would you rather have one half of an orange or five tenths? Gerald: I'd much rather have the half.

Teacher: Think carefully, and tell me why.

Gerald: Because you lose too much juice when you cut the orange into five tenths.

The Reason of Being Late

Teacher: Johnny, why are you late for school every morning?

Johnny: Every time I come to the corner, a guidepost says, 'School -- Go Slow'.

When Do People Talk Least?

Student A: When do people talk least?

Student B: In February.

Student A: Why?

Student B: Because February is the shortest month of a year.

The plural Form of "Child"

Teacher: What is the plural of man, Tom?

Tom: Men.

Teacher: Good. And the plural of child?

Tom: Twins.

All Except the Music

A keen young teacher wanted to introduce her class to the glories of classical music, so she arranged an outing to an afternoon concert. To make the occasion even more memorable, she treated everyone to lemonade, cake, chocs and ices. Just as the party was getting back into their coach, she said to little Sally, "Have you enjoyed yourself today?"

"Oh, yes, miss!" said Sally, "It was lovely. All except the music, that is."

My Sister's Fingers

Teacher: Kevin, why are you late this time?

Kevin: Please sir, I bruised two fingers knocking in a nail at home. Teacher: I don't see any bandages.

Kevin: Oh, they weren't my fingers! I told my little sister to hold the nail.

The Climate of New Zealand

Teacher: Matthew, what is the climate of New Zealand?

Matthew: Very Cold, sir.

Teacher: Wrong.

Matthew: But, sir! When they send us meat it always arrives frozen!

Lightning

Teacher: Why is it said that lightning never strikes the same place twice? Roy: Because after it's struck once the same place isn't there any more!

Who Discovered Australia?

Teacher: Find Australia on the map for me, Johnny.

Johnny: It's there, sir.

Teacher: That's right. Now Sammy, who discovered Australia?

Sammy: Johnny, sir.

Essay

Teacher had set his class an essay in "A Game of Cricket". After two minutes Simon Steel handed his paper in and was allowed to go home. His essay read: "Rain stopped play."

How Many Rabbits?

Teacher: Now, Jonathan, if I gave you three rabbits and then the next day I gave you five rabbits, how many rabbits would you have?

Jonathan: Nine, sir.

Teacher: Nine?

Jonathan: I've got one already, sir.

To Go to Heaven

Sunday School teacher: Hands up all those who want to go to Heaven? Hands up ..... what about you, Terry? You haven't got your hand up -- don't you want to go to Heaven?

Terry: I can't. My Mum told me to go straight home.

教進(jìn)化論的老師已經(jīng)滔滔不絕地講了快兩個(gè)小時(shí)，他的話題又來了：“讓我向進(jìn)化論者提個(gè)問題——如果我們?cè)��?jīng)像狒狒那樣長著尾巴，那么現(xiàn)在尾巴到哪里去了？”

“我來試試看，”一位老太太說。

“該是我們?cè)谶@里坐這么久把它們磨掉了吧�！�

瘋?cè)嗽?/p>

一天晚上，在瘋?cè)嗽豪�，一個(gè)病人說："我是拿破侖！"另一個(gè)說："你怎么知道？"第一個(gè)人說："上帝對(duì)我說的！"一會(huì)兒，一個(gè)聲音從另一個(gè)房間傳來："我沒說！"

進(jìn)步

一位學(xué)生對(duì)另一位說：“你的英語最近學(xué)的怎么樣？”

“很好，我過去不懂英國人說話，可現(xiàn)在是英國人不懂我的話了�！�

半個(gè)還是十分之五

老師：你愿意要半個(gè)柑橘，還是十分之五個(gè)柑橘？

杰拉得：我寧可要半個(gè)。

老師：仔細(xì)想想，說出理由來。

杰拉得：因?yàn)槟闳绻�把柑橘切成十分之五，那柑橘汁就損失太多了。

遲到的原因

老 師：約翰尼，為什么你每天早晨都遲到？

約翰尼：每當(dāng)我經(jīng)過學(xué)校附近的拐角處，就見路牌上寫著‘學(xué)校－緩行’。

人們什么時(shí)候說話最少？

學(xué)生甲：人們?cè)谑裁磿r(shí)候說話最少？

學(xué)生乙：在二月。

學(xué)生甲：為什么呢？

學(xué)生乙：因?yàn)槎�月是一年中最短的一個(gè)月。

"孩子"的復(fù)數(shù)形式

老師：湯姆，‘男人’這個(gè)詞的復(fù)數(shù)形式是什么？

湯姆：男人們。

老師：答得好。那‘孩子’的復(fù)數(shù)形式呢？

湯姆：雙胞胎。

除了音樂

一位熱心的年輕教師想讓她的學(xué)生多了解一點(diǎn)優(yōu)秀的古典音樂，就安排了一天下午去聽音樂會(huì)。為了使這次活動(dòng)能給大家留下更深的印象，她請(qǐng)大家喝檸檬汽水、吃點(diǎn)心、巧克力和冰淇淋。在大家回來上汽車的時(shí)候，她問小薩莉：“你今天玩得好嗎？”

“噢，好極了，小姐，” 薩莉說，“除了音樂其它都很好�！�

我妹妹的手指頭

老師：凱溫，這次你怎么又遲到了？

凱溫：對(duì)不起，老師，我在家釘釘子，砸壞了兩個(gè)手指頭。

老師：怎么沒有扎繃帶呀？

凱溫：噢，砸的不是我的手指頭，我叫小妹妹扶著釘子的。

新西蘭的氣候

老師：馬修，新西蘭的氣候怎么樣？

馬修：先生，那里的天氣很冷。

老師：錯(cuò)了。

馬修：可是，先生！從那兒運(yùn)來的豬肉都凍得硬邦邦的。

閃電

老師：為什么說閃電從來不會(huì)兩次擊中同一個(gè)地方？

羅伊：因?yàn)樗鼡糁幸粋�(gè)地方一次以后，那個(gè)地方就不存在了。

誰發(fā)現(xiàn)了澳大利亞？

老師：約翰尼，在地圖上給我找出澳大利亞在什么地方。

約翰尼：先生，在這兒。

老師：對(duì)了。薩默，你來回答我是誰發(fā)現(xiàn)了澳大利亞？

薩默：先生，是約翰尼。

作文

老師給學(xué)生出了個(gè)作文題：“一場板球賽”。兩分鐘后，西蒙。斯蒂爾交了作文，老師允許他回家了。他在作文上寫道：“下雨，比賽終止。”

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