英語短篇笑話篇一：英文小笑話集錦

? 它咬人嗎 Does He Bite

Reggie:We have got a new dog. Would you like to come around and play with him? Ron: Well, I don't know---does he bite?

Reggie: That's what I want to find out.

里基：我們又得到了一條新狗，你愿意過來和他玩一會(huì)嗎？

羅恩：嗯，我不知道----它咬人嗎？

里基：這正是我想要查明的。

? 兩塊蛋糕 Two Pieces of Cake

Tom: Mom, can I have two pieces of cake, please?

Mom: Certainly----take this piece and cut it two!

湯姆：媽媽，我可以吃兩塊蛋糕嗎？

媽媽：當(dāng)然可以----拿這塊蛋糕把它切成兩塊吧！

? 不算太壞 Not too Bad

Did you sell any of your paintings at the art show?"

"No, but I am encouraged," he replied. "Somebody stole one."

“你的畫在美術(shù)展上有賣出去嗎？”

“沒有，但我還是受到了鼓勵(lì)，”他回答說，“有人偷走了一幅�！�

? A Silly Father 傻爸爸

Mr. White was watching TV when his eight-year-old son came into the room. He cried, Father, my grandpa just now slapped me in the face. Hearing that, Mr. White became very angry. And then he suddenly boxed his own ears heavily and said, You beat my son and I dare to beat yours.

懷特先生在房間里看電視，他八歲的兒子走進(jìn)來哭著說：爸爸，剛才爺爺打了我一耳光。懷特先生聽了非常生氣，突然，他重重地扇了自己一耳光，說：你打我兒子，我也敢打你兒子。 ? 讓座 To Give Up the Seat

Little Johnny says Mom, when I was on the bus with Daddy this morning, he told me to give up my seat to a lady.Well, you've done the right thing, says Mommy。But Mommy, I was sitting on daddy's lap.

小約翰告訴媽媽：早上我和爸爸坐公車時(shí)，他讓我給一位女士讓座。

好，你做得對。媽媽說。

但是，媽媽，我那時(shí)正坐在爸爸的大腿上。

? 別太自私 Don't be selfish

A mother is admonishing her son.

_Now, John, don't be selfish. Let your little brother share the bicycle with you. _But Mother, I do. I ride it down the hill, and he rides it up the hill.

一位母親在勸告她的兒子。

"聽著，約翰，別太自私，讓你的弟弟和你共用一輛自行車。" "媽媽，我是讓他。我先騎下坡，他再騎上坡。"

? A Good Boy 好孩

Little Robert asked his mother for two cents.

小羅伯特向媽媽要兩分錢。

"What did you do with the money I gave you yesterday?"

“昨天給你的錢干什么了？”

"I gave it to a poor old woman," he answered.

“我給了一個(gè)可憐的老太婆，”他回答說。

"You're a good boy," said the mother proudly.

“你真是個(gè)好孩子，”媽媽驕傲地說。

"Here are two cents more. But why are you so interested in the old woman?" “再給你兩分錢�？赡銥槭裁磳δ俏焕咸�太那么感興趣呢？”

"She is the one who sells the candy."

“她是個(gè)賣糖果的�！�

? 我的狗不識(shí)字

Mrs. Brown: Oh, my dear, I have lost my precious little dog!

Mrs. Smith: But you must put an advertisement in the papers!

Mrs. Brown: It's no use, my little dog can't read.

布朗夫人：哦，

親愛的，我把珍愛的小狗給丟了！

史密斯夫人：可是你該在報(bào)紙上登廣告�。�

布朗夫人：沒有用的，我的小狗不認(rèn)識(shí)字�！�

? Marry Him 嫁給他

Jane loved Tony , but she worried about all the money he squandered when they went out together. How can I stop Tony spending so much money on me? She asked her mother.Marry him!

簡很愛托尼，但是當(dāng)他們一起出去的時(shí)候，托尼總是大手大腳地花錢，這使簡感到很不安。我怎樣才能不讓托尼在我身上花那么多錢呢？她問自已的母親。

嫁給他！

? Much Worse 那就更糟

Policeman: Why didn't you shout for help when you were robbed of your watch? Man: If I had opened my mouth, they'd have found my four gold teeth. That would be much worse.

警察：有人搶你的手表時(shí)，你為什么不呼救呢？

男子：要是我張口的話，他們就會(huì)發(fā)現(xiàn)我的四顆金牙。那就更糟了。

? The first time

Patient: I'm so frightened, this is my first operation.

Surgeon: I know just how you feel. This is my first operation, too.

病人：我很害怕，這是我第一次動(dòng)手術(shù)。

外科醫(yī)生：我完全理解你的心情。這也是我第一次動(dòng)手術(shù)。

? Money and friend

A: Which do you find more important, money or friends?

B: Friends, of course.

A: Why?

B: I can always borrow money from friends.

甲：你認(rèn)為錢和朋友哪一個(gè)更重要？

乙：當(dāng)然是朋友。

甲：為什么？

乙：我總可以從朋友那兒借到錢。

? You are too late.你太晚了

On the bus a man discovered a pickpocket's hand thrust into his pocket.

"sorry," he said to the pickpocket, "you are too late. My wife did it before you."

在公共汽車上一人發(fā)現(xiàn)一個(gè)小偷把手伸到了他的口袋里。

“對不起，”他對小偷說，“你太晚了，我妻子在你之前就做過同樣的事情了�！�

英語短篇笑話篇二：經(jīng)典英語小笑話

經(jīng)典英語小笑話 英語笑話（一）

英語老師問一個(gè)學(xué)生，“How are you是什么意思” 學(xué)生想how是怎么，you 是你，于是回答“怎么是你？” 老師生氣又問另一個(gè)同學(xué)：“How old are you ?是什么意思？”

這個(gè)同學(xué)想了想說：“怎么老是你。

英語笑話（二）

老師在黑板上寫了一句：Time is money.并讓同學(xué)們翻譯。有名學(xué)生答道：“湯姆是瑪麗�！�

英語笑話（三）

小明上英文課時(shí)跟老師說：May I go to the toilet? 老師說：Go ahead.

小明就坐了下來。過了一會(huì)兒，小明又跟老師說：May I go to the toilet?

老師說：Go ahead.

小明又坐了下來。他旁邊的同學(xué)于是忍不住問：你不是跟老師說要上廁所嗎？怎么不去？

小明說：你沒聽老師說「去你個(gè)頭」�。�

英語笑話（四）

某日劉洪濤遇到外賓，上前搭話曰：I am hongtao liu，外賓

曰：我TM還是方片七呢！

英語笑話（五）

江青會(huì)見外賓，要求翻譯要嚴(yán)格按她的意思翻，不許走樣。外賓一見到江青，立刻拍馬屁道："Miss Jiang, you are very beautiful." 翻譯照翻，江青心花怒 放，嘴上還要謙虛一下：“哪里，哪里”。

翻譯不敢怠慢，把江青的話翻成英文："Where? Where?" 外賓一愣，還有這樣的人，追問哪里漂亮的，干脆馬屁拍到底："Everywhere, everywhere."

翻譯：“你到處都很漂亮。”江青更高興了，但總是要客氣一下：“不見得，不見得”。翻譯趕緊翻成英文：

"You are not allowed to see, you are not allowed to see." 英語笑話（六）

話說某年某月的某一天，叁個(gè)神箭手約在一起比箭，目標(biāo)是十尺外仆人頭上的蘋果。A神箭手挽弓長射，咻一聲，利箭正中蘋果。A高傲的昂起下巴，比出一根大 拇指道：「I am后羿！」

B神箭手照本宣科，射中蘋果，這回他自大的喊了一句：「I am丘比特！」

輪到C了，他也挽弓，利箭射出！ 結(jié)果正中仆人的心臟。就聽他結(jié)結(jié)巴巴好久才吐出一句：「I...I...I...am...sorry...」

英語笑話（七）

某人刻苦學(xué)習(xí)英語，終有小成。一日上街不慎與一老外相撞， 忙說：I am sorry.

老外應(yīng)道：I am sorry too.

某人聽后又道：I am sorry three.

老外不解，問：What are you sorry for?

某人無奈，道：I am sorry five.

一個(gè)中國人（當(dāng)然是外語不大好的啦）踩了一個(gè)老外的腳，為了顯示咱國家是有名的禮儀之邦，就先SORRY啦，老外更是禮貌有加，就來個(gè)sorry too.

two?the chinese puzzled.恩，咱中國人還不是得禮尚往來？！~那就I am sorry three~

這下老外蒙了，一句what are you sorry fo

r?

暈，還有完沒完啊，還FOUR？！~哼，偶跟你卯上了，I am sorry five~(who怕 who？！~）

英語笑話（八）

一位來自日本的旅客，坐出租車去機(jī)場的路上，看到一輛汽車經(jīng)過，就說：“oh，TOyOTA！Made in Japan! It is very fast！”又有一輛經(jīng)過，他又說： “oh，NISSAN！Made in Japan! It is very fast！”司機(jī)有點(diǎn)不高興，覺得他太吵了！當(dāng)?shù)谌�輛經(jīng)過時(shí)，他還是說：“oh，HONDA！Made in Japan! It is very fast！”

后來到了機(jī)場，那個(gè)日本人就問：“How Much？”出租車司機(jī)說：“1000！”

日本人驚奇的問司機(jī)：“為什么那么貴？”出租車司機(jī)回答說：“oh，mileometer（計(jì) 程表）！Made in Japan! It is very fast！”

英語笑話（九）

一位在美的留學(xué)生,想要考國際駕照.在考試時(shí)因?yàn)檫^于緊張,看到地上標(biāo)線是向左轉(zhuǎn).

他不放心的問道:turn left?

監(jiān)考官回答:right.

于是他立刻向右轉(zhuǎn).

很抱歉他只有下次再來.

英語笑話（十）

一位中國學(xué)生在美國加州目睹了一起交通事故,由于好奇一直沒有離開.

警察來了以后問他知不知道事情的經(jīng)過,

he said:"one car come, one car go, two car peng peng, one car die.

英語笑話（十一）

小強(qiáng)去看電影，到了電影售票處，發(fā)現(xiàn)一個(gè)老外和售票小姐連說帶比得好半天，就自告奮勇的上前做翻譯，售票小姐說：麻煩你告訴她，現(xiàn)在坐票售完了只剩下站票，如果要

看要站著看。

小強(qiáng)轉(zhuǎn)頭就對老外說：no sit see, stand see. if see stand see.

老外回答說:Sorry I don’t understand your English. 小強(qiáng)就對售票小姐說：哦，他說他不懂英文.....英語笑話（十二）

上高中的時(shí)候，英語老師英文水平頗高，無奈漢語不佳。某日上課，老師講解"獨(dú)立結(jié)構(gòu)"，舉一經(jīng)典例句："Our teacher comes into the classroom, book under arm." 然后翻譯成中文："老師進(jìn)了教室，胯下夾 著一本書。"頓時(shí)課堂上狂笑不已。

英語笑話（十三）

上初中時(shí)，英文老師講到英文字詞的詞根：Landlord地主，是由land土地，lord主人，兩部分組成的－－"土地"＋"主人"就是"地主".接著，老師又向大家提問：motherland是什么意思？"地主婆！"大家異口同聲回答。

英語笑話（十一）

70年代學(xué)校里學(xué)英文，第一課是：Long Live Chairman Mao. 我等愚笨之輩第一次接觸英文，背誦不 出，于是在英文下面加 注，曰：狼來了牽著貓。

英語笑話（十一）

某男約某女晚上看電影，約定會(huì)面地點(diǎn)后，該男道：I no

英語短篇笑話篇三：英語短文笑話(帶翻譯)

1、How much English can you speak?

"Your Honor, I want to bring to your attention how unfair it is for my client to be accused of theft. He arrived in New York City a week ago and barely knew his way around. What's more, he only speaks a few words of English."

The judge looked at the defendant and asked, "How much English can you speak?"

The defendant looked up and said, "Give me your wallet!"

中文翻譯

"法官先生，我的當(dāng)事人被指控偷竊，這是多么不公正啊。他一周前才來到紐約，幾乎不認(rèn)路。而且，他只會(huì)說幾個(gè)英語單詞。"

法官看了看被告，問道："你會(huì)說多少英文？"

被告抬起頭，說："把你的錢包給我！"

2

A husband, proving to his wife that women talk more than men, showed her a study which indicated that men use on average only 15000 words a day, whereas women use 30000 words a day. She thought about this for a while and then told her husband that women use twice as many words as men because they have to repeat everything they say.

He said, "What?"

丈夫給妻子看了一項(xiàng)調(diào)查結(jié)果，為了向她證明女人比男人啰嗦。研究表明男人平均每天使用15000個(gè)字，而女人每天使用30000個(gè)。

妻子想了一會(huì)兒說，女人每天說的字?jǐn)?shù)是男人的兩倍，因?yàn)樗齻儽仨氈貜?fù)已經(jīng)說過的話。 他問："什么？"

3

Boy: Is this seat empty?

Girl: Yes, and this one will be if you sit down.

男孩：這個(gè)座位是空的么？

女孩：是的，如果你坐下，我的座位也將是空的。

4、

"Tom, what's the matter with your brother?" asked the mother in the kitchen. "He's crying."

"Oh, nothing, Mum," replied Tom. "I'm eating my cake. He is crying because I won't give him any."

"But has he finished his own cake?"

"Yes." said Tom. "And he also cried when I was helping him finish that."

"湯姆，你弟弟怎么了？" 媽媽在廚房里問。"他在哭。"

"沒事兒，媽媽，" 湯姆答道。"我在吃我的蛋糕。他哭是因?yàn)槲也唤o他吃。"

"他已經(jīng)吃完自己的了么？"

"是的。" "我?guī)退�吃完時(shí)，他也哭了。"

2009-6-7

A guy says to his friend, "Guess how many coins I have in my pocket."

The friends says, "If I guess right, will you give me one of them?"

The first guys says, "If you guess right, I'll give you both of them!"

路人甲對路人乙說，"猜猜我兜里有幾個(gè)子兒？"

路人乙說："我猜對了，你能給我一個(gè)不？"

路人甲說："你要猜對了，我兩個(gè)全部給你！"

2009-6-6研究生和本科生的區(qū)別

"I can always tell a graduate class from an undergraduate class," said an instructor at a university graduate engineering course. "When I say 'Good afternoon,' the undergraduates respond 'Good afternoon.' But the graduate students just write it down."

一個(gè)教師在研究生工程學(xué)課堂上說："我一眼就能看出來哪些是本科生，哪些是研究生。" "我說'下午好'的時(shí)候，本科生回答'下午好'，而研究生則把這句話記在本子上。"

2009-6-5

Dad: Tom, please tell me, which month has 28 days?

Tom: Every month.

爸爸：告訴我湯姆，哪個(gè)月有28天呢？

湯姆：每個(gè)月都有��！

2009-6-4making faces

Finding one of her students making faces at others on the playground, Ms Smith stopped to gently reprimand the child. Smiling sweetly, the Sunday school teacher said, "Bobby, when I was a child I was told if I made ugly faces, my face would freeze and stay like that". Bobby looked up and replied, "Well, Ms Smith, you can't say you weren't warned."

史密斯小姐發(fā)現(xiàn)她的一名學(xué)生在操場上向別人做鬼臉，便去輕責(zé)他。

這位主日學(xué)校的老師甜甜地微笑著，說："博比，我小的時(shí)候，有人告訴我如果我做鬼臉，我的臉就會(huì)僵硬，永遠(yuǎn)都那么丑。"

博比抬頭看了看老師，說："史密斯小姐，你可別說沒人警告過你啊。"

2009-6-3

A guy goes to visit his grandma and he brings his friend with him.

While he's talking to his grandma, his friend starts eating the peanuts on the coffee table, and finishes them off.

As they're leaving, his friend says to his grandma, "Thanks for the peanuts."

She says, "Yeah, since I lost my dentures I can only suck the chocolate off."

一名男子帶著朋友去探望他的祖母。

當(dāng)他和祖母聊天時(shí)，他的朋友開始吃咖啡桌上放的花生，并把花生都給吃光了。 他們離開時(shí)，他的朋友對祖母說:"謝謝您的花生。"

結(jié)果祖母說:"唉！自從我牙齒掉光后，我就只能吮掉花生豆外層的巧克力了。"

2009-6-2

A father was trying to teach his son the evils of alcohol.

He put one worm in a glass of water and another worm in a glass of whiskey. The worm in the water lived, while the one in the whiskey curled up and died.

"All right, son," asked the father, "What does that show you?"

"Well, Dad, it shows that if you drink alcohol, you will not have worms."

一位父親打算讓自己的兒子知道酒精有多么可怕。

他把分別把兩只蟲子放到一杯清水和一杯威士忌里做對比。清水里蟲子安然無恙，結(jié)果威士忌里的蟲子蜷縮了幾下就掛掉了。

"所以，兒子啊，"父親問道，"得出什么結(jié)論？"

"恩，這說明，你只要喝酒的話，肚里就不會(huì)長蟲了！"

2009-6-1

Looking very unhappy, a poor man entered a doctor's consulting-room.

"Doctor," he said, "you must help me. I swallowed a penny about a month ago."

"Good heavens, man!" said the doctor. "Why have you waited so long? Why don't you come to me on the day you swallowed it?"

"To tell you the truth, Doctor," the poor man replied, "I didn't need the money so badly then."

中文翻譯：

一個(gè)看起來很難受的窮人走進(jìn)大夫的診室。

"大夫！"他說，"幫幫我！一個(gè)月前我吞了一分硬幣！"

"天哪，"大夫說，"早干嘛去了？你當(dāng)時(shí)怎么不來看？"

"實(shí)話告訴您吧，大夫，"窮人說，"我當(dāng)時(shí)還不缺錢！"

2009-5-31

Boy: Hi, didn't we go on dates before? Onec or twice?

Girl: Must've been once. I never make the same mistake twice.

男孩：嗨，我們之前是不是約會(huì)過，是一次還是兩次，我忘記了。

女孩：應(yīng)該只有一次吧，我從不犯兩次同樣的錯(cuò)誤。

2009-5-30

In an entrance examination of a conservatory of music, a teacher asked one of the boys, "What is the most important physiological quality of a musician?"

"To be deaf," replied the boy.

"Nonsense!" said the teacher angrily.

"Why, sir! Don't you know that the famous musician Beethoven was deaf?" the boy asked in reply disdainfully.

在一次音樂學(xué)院的入學(xué)考試中，老師問其中一個(gè)男孩："音樂家最重要的生理素質(zhì)是什么？" "耳聾，"男孩答道。

"胡說！"老師氣憤地說。

"怎么了，先生！難道您不知道大名鼎鼎的音樂家貝多芬是個(gè)聾子嗎？"男孩輕蔑地反問道。

2009-5-28

A man sat at a bar, had the saddest hangdog expression.

Bartender: "What's the matter? Are you having troubles with your wife?"

The man: "We had a fight, and she told me that she wasn't going to speak to me for a month." Bartender: "That should make you happy."

The man: "No, the month is up today!"

一個(gè)男人坐在酒吧里，傷心至極。

酒吧招待："你怎么了？跟老婆鬧矛盾了？"

男人："我們吵了一架，她說一個(gè)月都不跟我說話。"

酒吧招待："那你應(yīng)該高興才是��！"

男人："不，今天是這個(gè)月的最后一天。"

【Laughter】2009-5-27

A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband. A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

女人找了老公之前都在擔(dān)憂未來。男人娶了老婆之前從來不為未來擔(dān)憂。

2009-5-26

A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he wants. A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't want.

男人想要的東西，要是值1塊錢卻賣2塊，他也會(huì)買；而對于女人，即使是不想要的東西，要是值2塊錢卻只賣1塊，她也會(huì)買。

2009-5-25

The female dormitory will be out-of-bounds for all male students and vice versa. "Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined $20 the first time. Anybody caught breaking this rule the

2nd time will be fined $60. Being caught a 3rd time will incur a fine of $180. Are there any questions?" At this moment, a male student in the crowd inquires, "Umm...How much for a season pass?"

女生宿舍將全面禁止男生進(jìn)入，男生宿舍也同樣不得女生光臨。

"不論是誰，一旦違規(guī)，初犯將被罰款20美元。再犯要被罰款60美元。第3次被抓需要交180美元的罰款。還有什么疑問么？"

這時(shí)人群中一個(gè)男同學(xué)問道，"那么一個(gè)季度通行證需要多少錢？"

2009-5-24

Boy: Can I buy you a drink?

Girl: Actually I'd rather have the money.

男孩：我可以給你買杯飲料嗎？

女孩：你不如直接把錢給我得了。

2009-5-22

Doctor: Your cough sounds much better today.

Patient: It should. I've been practicing all night.

醫(yī)生：聽上去你咳嗽今天好多了。

病人：應(yīng)該如此。我昨晚練習(xí)了一整夜。

2009-5-21

Pete: "The last time I was out hunting, I stepped off a high cliff, and would you believe it, while I was falling every fool deed I'd ever done came into my mind."

Bob: "Must have been a pretty high mountain you fell from."

皮特："我上次出去打獵，跌下了很高的懸崖，信不信由你，當(dāng)我跌落的時(shí)候，我腦海里浮現(xiàn)了我做過的所有蠢事。"

鮑勃："你一定是從萬丈高山上跌落的吧。"

2009-5-19

Spending the night with their grandparents, 2 young boys knelt beside their beds to say their prayers at bedtime. The younger boy began praying at the top of his lungs:"I PRAY FOR A BIKE... I PRAY FOR A NEW DVD..."

His older brother nudged him and said, "Why are you shouting your prayers? God isn't deaf." To which the little brother replied, "No, but Grandma is!"

2個(gè)男孩與祖父母一起過夜，他們跪在床邊做睡前禱告。弟弟聲嘶力竭地祈禱: "我祈求一輛自行車，一張新DVD……"

哥哥用肘輕推他: "你為什么大喊著祈禱？上帝又不聾。"

弟弟答道:"上帝是不聾，但是奶奶聾。"

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