英劇幽默篇一：英語經(jīng)典幽默故事

My First and My Last

When George was thirty-five, he bought a small plane and learned to fly it. He soon became very good and made his plane do all kinds of tricks.

George had a friend. His name was Mark. One day George offered to take Mark up in his plane. Mark thought, "I've travelled in a big plane several times, but I've never been in a small one, so I'll go."

They went up, and George flew around for half an hour and did all kinds of tricks in the air. When they came down again, Mark was very glad to be back safely, and he said to his friend in a shaking voice, "Well, George, thank you very much for those two trips in your plane." Gerogy was very surprised and said, "Two trips?"

"Yes, my first and my last," answered Mark.

第一次與最后一次

喬治35歲時(shí)買了架小型飛機(jī)，并開始學(xué)習(xí)駕駛。不久，他就能很嫻熟地駕機(jī)做各種各樣的特技飛行了。

喬治有個(gè)朋友名叫馬克。一天，喬治主動(dòng)邀請(qǐng)馬克乘他的飛機(jī)上天兜一圈。馬克心想，“我乘大客機(jī)飛行過好幾次，還從來沒有乘過小飛機(jī)，我不妨試一試�！� 升空后，喬治飛了有半個(gè)小時(shí)，在空中做了各種各樣的飛行特技。

后來他們著陸了。馬克很高興能夠安全返回地面。他用顫抖的聲音對(duì)他的朋友說：“喬治，非常感謝你讓我乘小飛機(jī)做了兩次飛行�！�

喬治非常吃驚地問：“兩次飛行？”

“是的，我的第一次和最后一次�！瘪R克答道。

First Flight

Mr. Johnson had never been up in an aerophane before and he had read a lot about air accidents, so one day when a friend offered to take him for a ride in his own small phane, Mr. Johnson was very worried about accepting. Finally, however, his friend persuaded him that it was very safe, and Mr. Johnson boarded the plane.

His friend started the engine and began to taxi onto the runway of the airport. Mr. Johnson had heard that the most dangerous part of a flight were the take-off and the landing, so he was extremely frightened and closed his eyes.

After a minute or two he opened them again, looked out of the window of the plane, and said to his friend, "Look at those people down there. They look as small as ants, don't they?" "Those are ants," answered his friend. "We're still on the ground."

第一次坐飛機(jī)

約翰遜先生從前未乘過飛機(jī)，他讀過許多關(guān)于飛行事故的報(bào)道。所以，有一天一位朋友邀請(qǐng)他乘自己的小飛機(jī)飛行時(shí)，約翰遜先生非常擔(dān)心，不敢接受。不過，由于朋友不斷保證說飛行是很安全的，約翰遜先生終于被說服了，登上了飛機(jī)。

他的朋友啟動(dòng)引擎開始在機(jī)場(chǎng)跑道上滑行。約翰遜先生聽說飛行中最危險(xiǎn)的是起飛與降落，所以他嚇得緊閉雙眼。

過了一兩分鐘，他睜開雙眼朝窗外望去，接著對(duì)朋友說道：“看下面那些人，他們看起來就象螞蟻一樣小，是不是？”

“那些就是螞蟻，”他的朋友答道，“我們還在地面上�！�

A Nail Or A Fly?

An old gentleman whose eyesight was failing came to stay in a hotel room with a bottle of wine in each hand. On the wall there was a fly which he took for a nail. So the moment he

hung them on, the bottles fell broken and the wine spilt all over the floor. When a waitress discovered what had happened, she showed deep sympathy for him and decided to do him a favour.

So the next morning when he was out taking a walk in the roof garden, she hammered a nail exactly where the fly had stayed.

Now the old man entered his room. The smell of the spilt wine reminded him of the accident. When he looked up at the wall, he found the fly was there again! He walked to it carefully adn slapped it with all his strength. On hearing a loud cry, the kind-hearted waitress rushed in. To her great surprise, the poor old man was there sitting on the floor, his teeth clenched and his right hand bleeding!

釘子還是蒼蠅？

一位視力正在衰退的老紳士住進(jìn)了一家旅館的客房。他雙手各拿一瓶酒。在墻上有只蒼蠅，他誤以為是枚釘子。他把兩只瓶子朝上一掛，瓶子掉下來摔碎了，酒灑了一地。一個(gè)女服務(wù)員發(fā)現(xiàn)發(fā)生的事情以后，對(duì)他深表同情，決定幫他個(gè)忙。

于是，第二天早上他到樓頂花園散步時(shí)，她把一枚釘子釘在了蒼蠅停過的地方。 這里，老人回到了房里。倒灑的酒味讓他想起了那件事。他抬頭往墻上一看，蒼蠅又停在了那兒!他輕手輕腳地走近，使盡全力拍了一掌。聽到一聲大叫，好心的女服務(wù)員沖進(jìn)房來。讓她大為吃驚的是，可憐的老頭正坐在地板上，牙關(guān)緊咬，右手滴血不止。 I'll See to the Rest

A guard was about to signal his train to start when he saw an attractive girl standing on the platform by an open door, talking to another pretty girl inside the carriage.

"Come on, miss!" he shouted. "Shut the door, please!"

"Oh, I just want to kiss my sister goodbye," she called back.

"You just shut that door, please," called the guard, "and I'll see to the rest."

其余的事由我負(fù)責(zé)

一位車上的列車員剛發(fā)出信號(hào)讓火車啟動(dòng)，這時(shí)他看見一位很漂亮的姑娘站在站臺(tái)上一節(jié)打開的車廂門旁邊，跟車廂里另一位漂亮姑娘在說話。

“快點(diǎn)，小姐!”他喊道：“請(qǐng)把門關(guān)上�！�

“噢，我還沒有和妹妹吻別呢。”她回答道。

“請(qǐng)把門關(guān)上好了，”列車員說：“其余的事由我負(fù)責(zé)�！�

Chaude and Cold

A patron in Montreal cafe turned on a tap in the washroom and got scalded. "This is an outrage," he complained. "The faucet marked C gave me boiling water."

"But, Monsieur, C stands for chaude - French for hot. You should know that if you live in Montreal."

"Wait a minute," roared the patron. "The other tap is also marked C."

"Of course," said the manager, "It stands for cold. After all, Montreal is a bilingual city." 熱與冷

蒙特利爾自助餐廳的一位顧客擰開盥洗室的龍頭，結(jié)果被水燙傷了。“這太可惡了，”他抱怨道，“標(biāo)著C的龍頭流出的是開水�！�

“可是，先生，C代表Chaude－法語里代表?熱?。如果您居住在蒙特利爾的話就得知道這一點(diǎn)�！�

“等等，”那位顧客咆哮一聲，“另外一個(gè)龍頭同樣標(biāo)的是C�！�

“當(dāng)然，”經(jīng)理說道：“它代表冷。畢竟，蒙特利爾是個(gè)雙語城市。”

A Soldier's Brilliant Idea

Mr. Robinson had to travel somewhere on business, and as he was in a hurry, he decided to go by air. He liked sitting beside a window when he was flying, so when he got on to the plane, he looked for a window seat. He found all of them had already had been taken except for one. There was a soldier sitting in the seat beside this one, and Mr. Robinson was surprised that he had not taken the one by the window; but, anyhow, he at once went towards it.

When he reached it, however, he saw that there was a notice on it. It was written in ink and said, "This seat is preserved for proper load balance, thank you." Mr Robinson had never seen such an unusual notice in a plane before, but he thought that the plane must be carrying something particularly heavy in it, so he walked on and found another empty seat, not beside a window, to sit in.

Two or three people tried to sit in the window seat beside the soldier, but they too read the notice and went on, when the plane was nearly full, a very beautiful girl hurried into the plane. The soldier, who was watching the passengers coming in, quickly took the notice off the seat beside himself and in this way succeededin having the company of the girl during the whole trip.

士兵的高招

由于生意方面的事，羅賓遜先生得出趟門。因?yàn)橛悬c(diǎn)緊急，他決定坐飛機(jī)。乘機(jī)旅行時(shí)，他喜歡靠窗坐，故而一登機(jī)，他就尋找一個(gè)靠窗的座位。他發(fā)現(xiàn)只有一個(gè)靠窗的座位還空著。在那空座位邊坐著一名士兵。令羅賓遜先生納悶的是，這位士兵沒有坐靠窗的位置。羅賓遜先生不管那些，他馬上徑直朝那個(gè)空座位走去。

然而，等到了那兒，他看見座位上有則啟事，是用鋼筆寫的：“為保持裝載平衡，特預(yù)設(shè)該位置，謝謝合作�！绷_賓遜先生還從來沒有在飛機(jī)上見過如此不同尋常的啟事。不過，他想飛機(jī)上一定裝了什么特別重的物品，于是他找了個(gè)不靠窗的位置。

又有兩三個(gè)乘客試圖坐在那個(gè)士兵旁的靠窗座位上，他們看到那則啟事就走開了。當(dāng)快滿座時(shí)，一位非常美麗的姑娘匆匆走進(jìn)機(jī)艙。一直在注意進(jìn)艙旅客的那個(gè)士兵趕緊拿掉他旁邊空座位上的啟事。士兵用這種辦法，成功地找到了一位姑娘一路作伴。 New Discovery

A hillbilly was visiting the big city for the first time. Entering an office building, he saw a pudgy older woman step into a small room. The doors closed, lights flashed, and after a while the door slid open and a beautiful young model stepped off the elevator.

Blinking in amazement, the hillbilly drawled, "I should have brought my wife!"

新發(fā)現(xiàn)

一個(gè)鄉(xiāng)下人第一次到大城市游逛。他走進(jìn)一座大樓，看見一個(gè)歲數(shù)很大的矮胖女人邁進(jìn)一個(gè)小房間。房間的門隨后關(guān)上，有幾個(gè)燈在閃亮。一會(huì)兒，門開了，電梯里走出一位年青漂亮的女模特。

鄉(xiāng)下人驚奇地眨著眼睛，慢吞吞地說：“我應(yīng)該把我的老婆帶來!”

A Bad Impression

Six people were travelling in a compartment on a train. Five of them were quiet and well behaved, but the sixth was a rude young man who was causing a lot of trouble to the other passengers.

At last this young man got out at a station with his two heavy bags. None of the other passengers helped him, but one of them waited until the rude young man was very far away

and then opened the window and shouted to him, "You left something behind in the compartment!" Then he closed the window again.

The young man truned around and hurried back with his two bags. He was very tired when he arrived, but he shouted through the window, "What did I leave behind?"

As the train began to move again, the passenger who had called him back opened the window and said, "A very bad impression!"

一個(gè)壞印象

有六個(gè)人搭乘火車旅行，坐在同一車箱內(nèi)。其中五個(gè)很安靜，也很規(guī)矩。但第六個(gè)是個(gè)粗魯?shù)哪贻p人，給其他乘客招惹了許多麻煩。

最后，這位年輕人在一個(gè)車站帶著兩個(gè)沉重的皮箱下了車。沒有一個(gè)旅客幫他的忙。有個(gè)人一直等到這位粗魯?shù)哪贻p人走得很遠(yuǎn)了，才打開窗戶，對(duì)著他大聲喊：“你把東西留在車廂里了!”然后，又把窗戶關(guān)了起來。

年輕人轉(zhuǎn)過身子，拎著兩個(gè)沉甸甸的皮箱，匆匆趕了回來。他轉(zhuǎn)回來時(shí)，顯得非常疲倦，對(duì)著窗戶大聲喊：“我把什么東西留在車上了？”

當(dāng)火車再次啟動(dòng)時(shí)，叫他回來的旅客打開窗戶說：“一個(gè)極壞的印象!”

Sleeping Pills

Bob was having trouble getting to sleep at night. He went to see his doctor, who prescribed some extra-strong sleeping pills.

Sunday night Bob took the pills, slept well and was awake before he heard the alarm. He took his time getting to the office, strolled in and said to his boss: "I didn't have a bit of trouble getting up this morning."

"That's fine," roared the boss, "but where were you Monday and Tuesday?"

安眠藥

鮑勃晚上失眠。他去看醫(yī)生，醫(yī)生給他開了一些強(qiáng)力安眠藥。

星期天晚上鮑勃吃了藥，睡得很好，在鬧鐘響之前就醒了過來。他到了辦公室，遛達(dá)進(jìn)去，對(duì)老板說：“我今天早上起床一點(diǎn)麻煩都沒有�！�

“好啊!”老板吼道，“那你星期一和星期二到哪兒去了？”

Creative

Applying for my first job, I realized I had to be creative in listing my few qualifications. Asked about additional schooling and training, I answered truthfully that I had spent three years in computer programming classes. I got the job.

I had neglected to mention that I took the same course for three years before I passed. 創(chuàng)造性

第一次求職時(shí)，我意識(shí)到在列舉我所具備的為數(shù)不多的條件時(shí)，得有點(diǎn)創(chuàng)造性。當(dāng)問及我是否受過其它的培訓(xùn)時(shí)，我老實(shí)地回答說我花了三年時(shí)間學(xué)計(jì)算機(jī)程序設(shè)計(jì)課。我得到了那份工作。

我沒有提到那門功課我重復(fù)學(xué)了三年才考及格。

Reminder

In the veterinary office where I'm a technician, we mail out reminders when pets are due for vaccinations. Bruno, a German shepherd, arrived for his annual rabies shot, and we were required by state law to ask his owner if Bruno had bitten anyone in the last ten days. "Oh yes, in fact that's why we're here," she replied. Surprised, I told her we assumed they'd come in because of our reminder.

"We did," she explained. "Bruno bit the mail carrier who was delivering your card."

催 單

我是一家獸醫(yī)站的技師。當(dāng)動(dòng)物到了該注射疫苗的時(shí)候，我們就寄出催單。一條德國物質(zhì)牧羊犬布魯諾來做每年一次的狂犬疫苗注射。我們依照州法律的要求詢問他的主人，在過去的十天里布魯諾是否咬了什么人。“噢，是的。事實(shí)上這正是我們到這兒來的原因，”她回答說。我覺得奇怪，告訴她我們以為他們是因?yàn)槭盏搅宋覀兊拇邌尾艁淼摹?“的確如此，”她解釋道�！安剪斨Z咬了給你們送催單的郵遞員。”

Imitate Birds

A man tried to get a job in a stage show. "What can you do?" asked the producer.

"Imitate birds," the man said.

"Are you kidding?" answered the producer, "People like that are a dime a dozen."

"Well, I guess that's that." said the actor, as he spread his arms and flew out the window. 模仿鳥兒

一個(gè)人想在一個(gè)舞臺(tái)劇中找份工作。“你能干什么呢？”負(fù)責(zé)人問。

“模仿鳥兒，”那人說。

“你在開玩笑吧？”負(fù)責(zé)人答道，“那樣的人一毛錢可以找一打�！�

“噢，那就算了�！蹦敲�演員說著，展開翅膀，飛出了窗口。

How Did You Ever Get Here

One winter morning, an employee explained why he had shown up for work 45 minutes late. "It was so slippery out that for every step I took ahead, I slipped back two."

The boss eyed him suspiciously. "Oh, yeah? Then how did you ever get here?"

"I finally gave up," he said, "and started for home."

你是怎樣來的？

一個(gè)冬天的早晨，一名雇員解釋他為什么遲到了四十五分鐘才起來上班�！巴饷嫣�滑了，我每向前邁一步，就要向后退兩步�！�

老板狐疑地看著他�！班�，是嗎？那你是怎樣到這里來的？”

“后來我決定放棄，”他說，“然后我就往家里走�！�

Three Surgeons

Three famous surgeons were bragging about their skills. "A man came to me who had his hand cut off," said one. "Today that man is a concert violinist."

"That's nothing," said another. "A guy came to me who had his legs cut off. I stitched them back on, and today that man is a marathon runner."

"I can top both of you," said the third. "One day I came on the scene of a terrible accident. There was nothing left but a horse's pos(來自:www.huhawan.com 蒲公 英文 摘:英劇幽默)terior - and a pair of glasses. Today that man is seated in United States Senate."

三個(gè)外科醫(yī)生

三個(gè)有名的外科醫(yī)生正在吹噓他們的技術(shù)�！耙粋�(gè)人斷了一只手，他來找我，”一個(gè)說，“如今那個(gè)人是個(gè)音樂會(huì)的小提琴手。”

“這算不了什么，”另一個(gè)說�！耙粋�(gè)家伙兩條腿斷了，他來找我，我將它們接了回去。如今，那人是馬拉松選手。”

“我比你們兩個(gè)都強(qiáng)，”第三個(gè)說，“一天，我碰到一起可怕的車禍。除了一個(gè)馬屁股，和一幅眼睛，什么都沒有留下。如今，那人坐在美國參議院里�！�

One Side of the Case

A judge asked our group of potential jurors whether anyone should be excused, and one man raised his hand.

英劇幽默篇二：英語幽默小笑話大全

英語幽默小笑話大全

1.a kiss

At a dinner party, the speaker, who was the guest of honor, was about to deliver a speech when his wife sitting at the other end of the table, sent him a piece of paper with the word "KISS" scribbled on it.

The guest seated next to the speaker said, "Your wife must love you very much, I see her send you a 'KISS' before you begin your speech."

The speaker smiled and explained, "You don't know my wife. The 'KISS' she give me stands for 'Keep It Short, Stupid.'"

2.A teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She started her class by saying, "Everyone who thinks you're stupid, stand up!"

Little Johnny then stood up.

The teacher said, "Do you think you're stupid, Johnny?"

"No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!"

一個(gè)老師在對(duì)學(xué)生們講心理學(xué)，“誰認(rèn)為自己蠢就站起來？”她一開始就說。

小約翰尼站了起來。

“你認(rèn)為你很蠢嗎，小約翰尼？”老師問。

“不是的，老師，我只是不喜歡看你一個(gè)人站著。”

3.a great man

Teacher: Would Shakespeare be a great man if he were still alive today?

Student: Of course. He must be a great man, for so far nobody has lived to over 400 years.

一名偉人

老師：如果莎士比亞還活著，他會(huì)是一名偉人嗎？ 學(xué)生：當(dāng)然。因?yàn)榈侥壳盀橹梗�還沒有人活到400多歲。

4Two Cute dogs

A man walks into a shop and sees a cute little dog. He asks the shopkeeper, "Does

your dog bite?" The shopkeeper says, "No, my dog does not bite." The man tries to pet the dog and the dog bites him. "Ouch," he says, "I thought you said your dog does not bite!" The shopkeeper replies, "That is not my dog."

6.Policeman: Why didn't you shout for help when you were robbed of your watch?

Man: If I had opened my mouth, they'd have found my four gold teeth. That would be much worse.

警察：有人搶你的手表時(shí)，你為什么不呼救呢？ 男子：要是我張口的話，他們就會(huì)發(fā)現(xiàn)我的四顆

金牙。那就更糟了。

7.The little girl did not like the look of the barking dog.

"It's all right," said a gentleman, "don't be afraid. Don't you know the proverb: Barking dogs don't bite?"

"Ah, yes," answered the little girl. "I know the proverb, but does the dog know the proverb, too?"

一個(gè)小女孩非常不喜歡狗狂叫的樣子。

“沒有關(guān)系，”一位先生說，“不用害怕，你知道這條諺語嗎：‘吠狗不咬人。’”

“啊，我是知道，可是狗也知道嗎？”

8.Class and Ass

英劇幽默篇三：英語口語 超級(jí)搞笑的中英對(duì)譯句子

英語口語 超級(jí)搞笑的中英對(duì)譯句子 英語口語 超級(jí)搞笑的中英對(duì)譯句子

1.Money is not the problem, the problem is money!

錢不是問題，問題是沒錢!

2. Burn incense and may not necessarily be a monk, but also may be the panda ... 燒香的不一定是和尚，還可能是熊貓...

3. Drunk who has not satisfied me, I will help the wall!

喝醉了我誰也不服,我就扶墻!

4. I lie like a fly in the glass, the future is bright, but can not find a way out. 我就像一只趴在玻璃上的蒼蠅，前途一片光明，但又找不到出路.

5. Who says I am white, thin, beautiful ~ I like his good friend ~

誰說我白，瘦，漂亮~我就跟他做好朋友~

6. "What is the optimists who?" "The teapot is like ............... like red buttocks were burned and he still has feelings whistle!"

"什么叫樂觀派的人?""這個(gè)...............就像茶壺一樣，屁股都燒得紅紅的，他還有心情吹口哨!"

7. Contraceptive effect: not successful, then the adult?

避孕的效果：不成功，便成人?

8.the past, took off his underwear to see buttocks; Now, unplug buttocks to see underwear ...

關(guān)于丁字褲：以前，脫下內(nèi)褲看屁股;現(xiàn)在，拔開屁股看內(nèi)褲……

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